fiddlestick | IC Contact

[ eren jaeger will not use a spoon (correctly), he has a permit, this is a free country

volume doesn’t make a difference here; music was music, and this song was the song. the more it plays, the more that a change in demeanor is obvious. any smiles fade, and a once enthralled gaze lowers to his hands, then to the bed as he props himself up with his elbow, then . . . eren’s eyes nearly shut.

he’s far from sleeping, and quietly watches elliot eat. trying to smile when their eyes locked but coming up a little short. especially when he’d part his lips, to say something, then quickly represses it with a sigh. he wants to talk, he hasn’t forgotten about a few weeks ago, but there’s still something inside him that doesn’t permit him to, be it the way he had to preserve others of memories he wished he never had sometimes (which he’d afterwards condemn, or else he’d be ignorant all over again), or because it hurt him too much to speak of.

or maybe there’s that little branch in between that still thinks no one would understand. ]

It’s my favorite. [ he says, trying to fix elliot’s hair away from falling into the ice cream, before holds his breath.

he’s sure diddly dee done gonna cry in like five seconds ]

[Elliot watches Eren, not failing not notice the change in the demeanor. Even if he tries to repress it, Elliot's known Eren for too long. This wasn't how he usually reacted to his music, he always seemed more blissful when listening to one of his pieces. Instead, it seemed to cause him some kind of hurt, sadness.

As Eren tries to fix Elliot's hair, Elliot will lower his spoon and lift his own hand to Eren's cheek. He asks softly:]

What's wrong?

[Because honey you don't show up in the middle of the night with tons of ice cream and then get upset over a romantic song over nothing. ]

[ when eren’s eyes rise to meet elliot’s once his cheek goes touched, with warmth— that just about does it. he’s still holding it in, if lack of breathing says anything, his shoulders tremble inward, and his eyes go bright red with filling tears that quickly drip and wet the hand that holds him.
he tried, and when he opens his mouth to speak, a last minute attempt to keep it together—

the song still plays, elliot is here with him, and he crumbles. ]

Trying not to feel emotions that aren’t mine, [ he sucks in air, and now softly, he’s crying. his breath hitches up and down, and there’s more hurt in his eyes than he could fathom. the way he wraps himself around elliot is like— god. if he could stay like this, he would. ] and it’s not working.

Edited 2019-01-22 22:10 (UTC)

[Oh no...poor Eren. Elliot doesn't know what's going on, but it doesn't matter. He sets his own bowl of ice cream aside and moves to wrap his arms around Eren, pulling him into a hug. He rubs his back]

H-Hey...it's okay. Just let it out, I'm here.

[ it doesn’t matter if it wasn’t his memory when the whole ordeal was real. it happened. and it probably happened around the world, every minute (never in this degree, he hopes).

a lump forms in his throat and he’s silent between sniffs. he doesn’t know where to start and he doesn’t know what to say without sharing grief because that’s not something he’s happy to share. then again, would being quiet do any better for them? it may look so in the long run but, really . . . how long has it been since he’s sat to talk about something he remembers? the most recent wasn’t the best, and eren’s been on silent for far longer than that, his own opinions only budding.

because it’s not worth it when people don’t understand beyond being a waste of breath, energy and peace. ]

I remembered how Dad and Dina separated. [ it, at least, has nothing to do with morality. he lets that slide by completely, and brings his palms to squeeze into his eyes, rubbing the tears past his temples. ] There was only one time I woke up screaming like that.

[It's been a long time since they shared memories. It didn't used to be that way, they used to sit together and talk through them together. Kept each other grounded. But then one day...it just stopped. Eren stopped talking. Maybe Elliot could've pushed more, convinced him to share more but...

Well, it was no matter. He was talking now, and Elliot was here to listen, holding onto him with arms meant to comfort him]

Dina...? [he remembers Eren mentioning his past self having a half-brother so] Was that his first wife?

[He rubs his back. Screaming? It must've been really bad]

They were going to turn her into a titan. He loved her. [ he says it with emphasis because he knows what he felt as something he has, and what he felt was that very love getting shredded apart, by dogs. ] But Krüger had to or else they’d . . . [ it’s disgusting, and eren doesn’t want to finish.

he has memories from the other man that shares his name, and he saw his view. he saw why. and he would have preferred her titanized in that instance but both were horrid nightmares she’d have to stay stuck in and—

eren doesn’t know what he’d do if he was faced with the same choice, and just the thought makes him shatter. ]

It’s the same, when I dreamed you fell off a fire escape and I couldn’t catch you. [ and that— was more than a year ago. ] I couldn’t do anything. He couldn’t do anything.

Oh Eren....

[He keeps holding onto him. He knows all too well what that kind of grief feels like. He felt it with his parents. There hadn't been anything he could do to save them, no matter how much he screamed.

He hated that the memories made Eren experience something like this.]

I'm so sorry...

[His voice is quiet, sad]

It's really the worst feeling, I know.

[ eren’s arm finally raises up to pull him in tighter, but he’s quiet. he’s silent once more because there was nothing else to say other than he was sorry, too, and for a second, he wonders if he made the right call to actually say anything. he’s still feeling broken up. he still feels like it’s a lingering possibility that he didn’t have control over. he thought he did a long time ago, but he didn’t.

this is starting to feel more awkward for him than comforting, and he doesn’t know which way to pull. ]

I’m sorry.

[ that’s the first word his heart thinks to say, and almost immediately does eren let his head hang. ]

Mm?

[He tilts his head a little, trying to look at him]

Why are you sorry?

[It's a curious tone, not scathing. What is there to be sorry about right now? He was upset, of course he should look for comfort]

You can be here, with me. And me with you.

[ eren sighs through his nose, a heavy one, and he tries to keep his eyes neutral, but— his brows furrow together, as if in pain, and tears come again. he hates this. he hates these memories and he hates the feeling and he doesn’t have enough wisdom to think right now that i don’t regret these memories, and these powers, because I wouldn’t have met so many great people and have this life and have the power to protect it, please fuck that, right now, for like five seconds.

what’s worse is that there’s still a thunder cloud inside him that says he’s right in some way, and so continues the tug of war. he just . . . can’t keep ignoring the feeling anymore. the air. it’s felt suffocating ever since that day and it hasn’t gone away. ]

But it still feels like I’m losing you the more I try to ignore it.

[ and what if he was gone for good? what would eren do then? eren would cease. ]

[....Ah. That.

Elliot doesn't move and is quiet than a longer pause than what would probably be comforting. He...he can't deny there's been some distance between them lately, some tension. It'd be easy to blame that conversation in the jail cell, and maybe that's part of it. But he couldn't deny it's been going on for awhile now. ]

And why do you think you're losing me?

[ there are plenty of ways he can answer this one, and he lets himself cry a bit more through it or else he wouldn’t talk at all, he’d just hiccup. breaths are needed, and for a moment he can’t help but to feel redness in the question. like it wasn’t obvious.

patience. so much patience is needed. for one to fight with elliot about being open and talking things out, eren was the most hypocritical of them all.

or maybe he was seeing the one thing he hated that he’s been doing this whole time. when eren inhaled and decides to spread his cards on the table, most of all— he’s afraid to say it. but how much silence do they need to create distance that would become irreplaceable? ]

I don’t remember the last time I really told you something about me. And if I did, it didn’t matter. [ jail cell aside, he means. ] And it just builds up from there.

Edited 2019-01-27 19:35 (UTC)

[He was mostly asking to see if Eren had noticed the same things he had, if they were on the same page on this at the very least. No point in assuming anything.

When Eren answers, he shuts his eyes and sucks in his breath a little.]

...Yeah. We haven't done a proper memory share in a long time. And that last time, in the prison... [He bites his lip a little] It did feel like what I said didn't matter, I'll admit.

[ the very reason why eren doesn’t act on the frustration, he very well knows why the question is asked. do not worry dear craig, eren is just being an emotional, dramatic, human titty baby, it’ll pass.

and to this, he sighs. a tired look that wishes he could just start on a blank page. ]

If it didn’t work even a little bit, I wouldn’t be telling you this. [ but . . . ] What do you suggest? Because neither of us likes this, and my plan was shit from the start.

[ he’s not fishing for something to blame his behavior on. memory-influenced or not, eren blames himself for this one. ]

[A plan....it's not like Elliot has thought up something that'd fix the issues of their relationship. not when he barely understood what was causing these issues. ]

I don't...

[He sighs, pulling back a little so he can look Eren in the eye]

I don't know yet. I just...what changed Eren? Something must've, we had been doing so well before.

[ he knows the honest answer to that one, and it only takes a minute for eren to vocalize, eyes back on elliot. ]

I changed.

[ he doesnt say that with dangerous resolve. he says it with sadness. he thought it was for better. he finally— stopped worrying about the death count that had once ripped him apart, but look what it was doing to him now? it doesn’t mean he couldn’t change again, humans are in constant change all the time. every moment is a phase.

he thought he saw everything, but he’s in a darker spot than he actually realized.

and without elliot, it was lonely. all over again. he’s confused. he’s lost. because he thought he knew who he was and it was almost comforting— until he realized just how much the space around him echoed. it felt like he was bringing the tragedy back without the need to. ]

And I don’t know how to feel about it anymore.

["I changed", Eren says. It both clarifies things and gives a vague answer all at the same time. Eren recognizes he's changed, that much is clear. But how has he changed? How has his mind altered to look differently?]

...Y-Yeah. You have.

[Elliot bites his lip a little, trying to mull over what to say or how to feel. It's tempting to say "please change back" - change back to the man he loves so much. Change back to how things were back when they were simpler. But he knows it can't be done. He knows that's an unfair request, a cruel request. ]

When you....when you talk about things, you're ...you're usually talking about what someone else experiences or thoughts. The other Eren, Grisha, Zeke, Kruger...

I keep thinking...what about yours? What are Eren's thoughts? Because what comes out of your mouth doesn't sound like yours. It sounds like them.

[ his stomach feels so knotted that he might feel sick. all that ice cream didn’t do him any better in settling it now, causing nausea to hit when the words fall into the pit of his chest.

hearing it from elliot rather than himself hits much, much harder. ]

I— [ he begins to say, but words cut off when eren remembers saying, quiet cruelly: ever since i was a kid, mikasa, the look in her eyes was of a girl being torn apart, but eren still cuts deep. i’ve always hated you.

from there, his eyes are unfocused, caught in rememory. he gets punched, and beaten up some by armin, and eren can’t help but to let him do it. he deserved every bit of it. he has to stop and hit back, his own friend. and word by word, punch by kick, he brings him down. the only thing that breaks eren’s facade for even a second, is what armin says to him. was this the freedom you wanted? the freedom to hurt mikasa?

for seconds, he’s horrified both now and in the memory. who’s the slave here?

and if it weren’t true.

if all of this weren’t true. grisha, kruger, zeke, eren— those were the memories that clouded his own will to think of his life. all the thoughts that come from him, they aren’t his. he thought they were, at some point. he thought they were his own and welcomed it— because it was easier than resisting. is was easier that wanting to die.

eren finally blinks, and he would’ve stoned his facade again and objected. i have my own thoughts, i’ve always been my own person. what i did was necessary. what i did was for them. but what he says next is the truth. ]

I’m— not . . . Free.

[ why did he say that? why did he say that— he doesn’t start bawling, but his eyes certainly fill with tears once more, and what was once so sure of where and who he was is now completely, utterly lost. ]

[It's plain to see that those words had an impact on Eren. It only breaks his heart to watch the realization sink in on his fiance's face, the horror. Elliot badly wants to comfort him, to reassure him that it's all okay.

But it wasn't. Not with how much those memories have twisted his Eren. ]

...No, I...I don't think you are.

[He swallows, steeling himself]

It's...it's really hard to think for yourself. I doubt myself, I get anxious, I wonder if I could've made a better choice or if I made a mistake- and that's over something as low stakes as writing music.

Those feelings, they...they suck and I probably feel them too much, but they're proof that I'm free. That I'm making my own choices and having my own thoughts and feelings.

Y-You on the other hand... [He takes a deep breath] You've been acting like you're so mature, so wise. Like...Like you understood some greater knowledge that I couldn't hope to. And sure, your memories are a lot more gruesome and crueler than mine, but...

I don't think you've matured at all. I think you were just...parroting what others believed like a child. And that's why you didn't feel the doubts anymore, because you were letting these memories do the thinking.

So I'm sorry, but... [He looks at Eren] You...You aren't free, and you're the jailer.

[ horror twists gradually into pain until it’s sharp, like a blade, lodging further and further into eren’s chest. it hurt. it hurt more than any death he could carry on his shoulders. it felt like he was steadily killing himself and only now did he realize it.

he doesn’t say anything in return— he only listens (something he hasn’t done in a while yes), in silence, and five or so moments after elliot finishes, his shoulders shudder. attempting to hold his breath only intensifies every hitch he had to take to breathe. he cries. he cries as quietly as he could in a room that wasn’t his in a house that held more people than elliot.

he doesn’t need comfort. he needs to wake up. or keep waking up, rather, because he’s awake now. he’s awake after sleeping so much of this all off that— when was the last time he actually let loose with emotion, like this? when was the last time he felt like he made a mistake? when was the last time he felt sorry?

when was the last time he uttered truth? when was the last time he still felt like he had some humanity? it’s been so long that it hits him far greater than a wave. it wants to swallow him and he can’t keep his head above that water. the dam filled until it broke, and now the disaster hits him. ]

—It was easier, to deal with. [ it’s hushed, and for a moment eren puts a hand over his mouth. that’s not what he wanted to say, and hearing himself say it only drags the blade deeper. it’s not what he wants to say—

but it’s what he feels, and it’s what’s true. he doesn’t know what’s happening, and before he could seal his mouth tight, his heart slams it back open. ]

It was easier to think that you’d never understand. That you were weak. You’re far from weak. [ eren takes a hitched inhale in, because something about him saying this still . . . stings.

because for seconds, he thought the opposite only to preserve himself. to preserve a mind and soul that . . . was faulty from the start. ] You’re a better person than I’ll ever be.

[It hurts, just watching Eren go through being verbally cut open and salt poured on the wounds. Even if it's important, even if it's necessary for Eren to wake up, it still hurts so much to see.

He...he can't blame Eren, for wanting to take the easy path. He has to deal with so much, who wouldn't be tempted to take the easier way? Humans get tired after all. They can't be strong all the time. Elliot wasn't. There were so many times he was weak. When he made compromises, concessions.

It's the last part that makes his expression soften. He...he can't be mad for Eren wanting to see him as weak. He saw himself as weak a lot of the time. But that last part...]

Hey...don't say something like that. [He lifts his hand to wipe some of the tears from Eren's eyes with his thumb] S-Saying I'm better...it sounds like you're giving up on yourself. And I don't want that kind of pedestal either.

[He sniffs a little] Honestly, I can't pretend I understand every challenge you're going through. I just...I'm just a guy who wants to be with you, the real you. That's all.

You’re looking at him.

[ eren swallows, and even if elliot wipes the rolling tears from the corners of his eyes, streams continue to replace them. he’s never cried so much. the only time he remembers crying like this, it wasn’t even when dad died— it was during the other life, where eren had only wished that he never happened, and if he can’t go back, at least he could have died right then and there.

and doom the world. he’s so confused. ]

This— mess, that doesn’t know who he is anymore. Maybe I never did. [ he inhales with shaking breath. ] Challenges . . . They aren’t an excuse.

[ he’s this way because— because he chose to be. there’s no one to blame here but himself. the easy path has many faults, as the most difficult path surprises with greater rewards. his own hand comes up to touch elliot’s, lightweight and perhaps even frightened. ]

They’re meant for us to overcome and I failed a lot more than once. I failed you.

[ he’s failed, but.

he’s been more human now than he’s ever been in months. ]

Eren...

[He'll take that hand, and with his other arm, move to hold him into a holding hug. He rests his chin against his shoulder, trying to be as comforting as possible. ]

Shhh...you haven't failed me. I'm still here.

[It wasn't too late to fix things. To mend the space between them and go back to being the team they once were. Elliot wasn't ready to call it quits. He loved Eren too much, saw too much good in him even if Eren struggled to see the same. ]

Just let it all out, okay? I'm not going anywhere.

[Let himself cry it out. It feels miserable now, but it'll help in the long run. ]

For how long?

[ it’s not really a question to elliot and more of a question meant to return to him. for how long will he be going back and forth? how many times will he have to get so lost that he builds another gap between them? between friends. he didn’t know, that was one side.

or he can suck up, right now and say “never again”. he said never before and it’s why he doesn’t say it again. he’s remorseful, but he’s not stupid. never say never.

god damn it. ]

Don’t— answer that. I know the answer. [ clover was so right, too. ] If I’m going to tell you everything, it’s too much for one night.

I just don’t want this anymore. I don’t want to see that look on your face again.

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