fiddlestick | aefenglom IC Inbox

Oh, I didn't tell you about that, did I? [Considering there had been so much to talk about since the last time he returned from the mirror, it's not surprising it slipped him mind]

He's alive again. We don't know how or why, other than it has something to do with being an Awakener-- [Which means nothing to Eren, right] er, a special power he has.

I got the distinct impression he knew more about what's going on, but....

[He'd never share. Which...was very Crow-like, but disappointing he never actually opened up. Elliot's well aware Eren's got his secrets too, and while he's curious...he knew to respect his space. It wasn't like it affected Elliot...unlike what Crow was hiding.

But Eren saying that Crow had a reason? Makes him sigh and shake his head]

Believe me, I know his reason. He knew whatever it was would make us unhappy, so he avoided it. Whether if it was for his sake or to protect me...who knows.

[ while it means little to eren, the general meaning of it all is achieved through a mildly comparable circumstance. only mildly. but from what he saw around the house elliot shared with crow, they had a stable seeming relationship when scratching the surface. they'd talk and spend time with each other and have fun. he could honestly understand not wanting to break any of that because— ]

I haven't told you anything about me . . . For both reasons.

[ the honesty comes abruptly and causes a twitch in eren's eyelids. a wince. when it came to eren's home friends— the truth was necessary to heal the hole he blasted through them. he had no luxury of being able to approximate with them again without explaining himself, and with elliot . . . it just felt like there was no reason beyond professionalism for them to be bonded if he couldn't open up, at least little by little. with the behavioral issues mostly smoothed, the step up is now or never. ]

Oh, I already know that.

[Elliot has noticed the lack of information, the dodging to subjects, the emotions that are sometimes very carefully shield. There was so much about Eren he didn't know.]

I'd be lying if I said I wasn't curious, I am...but we're not from the same world. Even if I knew everything, it's not like I could do anything about it.

[That was the truth of it. He was a curious person, he'd love to have Eren open up. But...he knows that's a selfish desire. His life wouldn't really change if he knew everything, he was nothing more than a spectator. It could only stand to damage his relationship with Eren if he tried to force him to open up.]

But that's not the case with Crow. [He sighs] Maybe he wants to have a happy memory to look back on...but I'd rather face reality than be blindsided again.

Edited 2020-06-13 14:05 (UTC)

[ spongegar emoji. eren then considers he either didn’t hide it well enough or elliot knew him more than he thought. to what extent, he hoped it wouldn’t be shattered now, especially listening to how he felt about both instances. eren talons, the one from his free hand, at least, curls some into the fabric of his pants. ]

You have every right. [ the same way crow had his, and so did eren and everyone else— it was so complicated. you couldn’t have it all when it depended on someone else . . . freedom really was cruel, and still he went after it like it was the only thing he had left to fight for. ] Back home— I had to make a decision.

[Eren for aidios sake you insisted on going by a fake name for SIX MONTHS it wasn't hard to figure out you're hiding stuff.

He tilts his head at Eren. From the way he's acting about Elliot's feelings towards Crow...there's some guilt there.]

Yeah, and I'm sure it wasn't an easy one. [He moves his hand to touch Eren's cheek] Listen...no matter how Mikasa reacts, no matter your past - I'm going to continue to support you as your Bonded. You don't have to worry.

[ eren remains still when touched— not a flinch or falling into his hand, but remaining neutral. moments and eren himself wavers back and forth into a slouch, then erecting his back, finding no position comfortable. lips purse open and a second after the silence it brought, he drops it. there’s nothing else to really say to go around it. just carefully peel back details. ]

I’m . . . About to kill everyone.

[ how could anyone support that—? except jaegerists. ]

[Well...that escalated quickly. Kill everyone? What..did that mean? On purpose? By accident?

There's a mix of confusion, surprise and concern coming from his bond as he tries to process that. It's a frightening prospect - it would be for anyone.

And yet...he doesn't pull away]

...Why?

[ why was something that he asked himself a lot. if there was any other way around it and he tried for years to come up with another. the more he waited, the more the options dwindled, and the more it hurt him. there isn’t one day where he doesn’t think about that kid and his family, who offered them drinks and had a good time.

so many other families like that . . . eren was fully aware of how wrong it was, and the chasm of anguish and burden he hides lifts its ugly head and exposes itself. ]

Or else my family, my friends, my home . . . [ he knows there’s no justification— but there was no way to do one without the other. there was no way out. ] They’d be the ones to die.

Eren...

[Elliot goes quiet after saying his name, sadness echoing from his side of the bond as he takes it in. He knows Eren is telling the truth, that he truly felt like he had no other option. That he had to choose between saving others or saving his loved ones. It was a terrible choice for anyone to go through.

Was he making the right decision? Elliot...didn't know. He knew he didn't like it, but this felt like the reasoning of a man that's been backed into a corner. Not just once, but repeatedly throughout his life. This was a man that's only been taught how to fight, how to survive at the cost of sacrificing others. Mikasa had told him how their country had handled a food shortage - by sacrificing thousands to save the rest of them. He also heard it eluded more than once how high their military's mortality rate was, how expendable they all were. No real thought seemed given about their well-being, or teaching them to see past their roles

What chance did Eren have? All he'd been taught for survival involved sacrifice. How could he possibly be expected to come up with a solution that was outside those ideas? When all you're taught is tragedy, of course it'll lead to causing more.

If Eren was expecting Elliot to pull away or argue, that wasn't going to happen. There's no hiding the sadness, the grief that he feels. Were they from the same world, Elliot would probably put up more of a fight. Just like he planned to find a way to stop Osborne from committing the same atrocity in his world. But its like he said before....he can't do anything to change what happens in that world.

So he does the only thing he can do...and scoot closer to Eren to hug him tight. He's eyes are squeezed shut as tears are forming, but it's clear: he's still here to support.]

I'm so sorry Eren...

[For the corner he's been backed into, for the pain he must be feeling. And for the world that failed to teach him another way.]

[ if anything, not moving, not excluding himself from eren’s side had been the one thing eren never sought because he wasn’t in a position to receive. but here was a guy from another world who doesn’t argue and simply listens, understands— and the weight being pressed around him is soon pushed into, with eren’s cheek on top of his bonded and into his hair. his eyes sting, his nose feels heavy and wet, but all he does to hold it back is steady his breathing from the mouth alone. ]

Maybe it could be different here.

[ or, maybe not. maybe he’d still have to make an eventual, destructive choice all over again, because eren was destructive and that’s what he’d attract, wherever he’d go. but there still was a chance that so many people have told him about. elliot, sokie, mettaton. maybe some others that escape his thoughts, for now, but all have made a difference in coming to this conclusion. it didn’t mean he was about to give up on returning home, he had to. there were things to wrap up for good and he’d be selfish, stupid and profoundly unlike him to jump ship now.

if his death nears, who knows. maybe he could make that hope permanent. ]

[Elliot wants it to be different. He wanted Eren's second chance at life to be a better one. But...he's experienced enough heartache to know not to promise anything. Things have a terrible way of not going the way they planned]

We'll just have to try for that.

[He wanted to work for it. A different future, a better future. And pray that they never have to make such a choice here.

He still holds onto Eren, leaning against him as he much as Eren leaned against him.]

Look. I'm still here.

[Eren didn't scare him away, like he must've feared he would.]

[ eren’s priority returns to his home and where he’s needed, but to wrap it up— he doesn’t forget here, or won’t like to forget. he’d try, but he won’t be so naive, after his entire life choices have shown him repeatedly, to think there can always be a happy ending. especially to his horror story. he’ll just have to see where it all takes him. ]

. . . I saw. [ that was both physically, where he clung, and mentally, where elliot hadn’t wavered. eren’s hand rises from the other’s side and nestles into his hair to rub his fingerpads into his scalp and card through his hair with talon points. ] Thank you.

[ he didn’t know what else he could say other than this, and, feel the rest. ]

[Elliot will smile a little, his head tilting against those talons. He doesn't think it's really something to be thanked about..but he won't try to argue it for now.]

It'll be a year this month, you know...time's really flown.

It doesn't feel like a year.

[ to be fair, eren aged more, time was weird here so it really would feel like time just went woosh. more than a year in aefenglom's time since he's been here, a year now with elliot. from idle strokes, eren's gesture becomes a pat. ]

We've worked it out . . . Until now.

[ and things might still need plenty of work, but. getting there—?! happy anniversary, you get a headpat. ]

Haha, I know what you mean.

[A whole headpat! Elliot blinks a little in surprise, before smiling]

Yeah...overall, there's been bumps here and there, I think we've done pretty well for ourselves.

[Maybe they've had issues and aren't as lovey-dovey as some bond pairings. But...they've managed to stay together, and work things out when there were issues. ]

I'm ... happy I met you, Eren.

[ i'm happy i met you.

the skin of eren's face is flat, at first, to better showcase the surprise in his eyes. it made him seem soft, young, probably his actual age or less— and then came the kink. the bridge of his nose wrinkled as the sleek black of his scales became a hardy, cherry sort of red that danced with golden specks. ]

You— made more of a difference for me than I did for you, [ probably, but it's increasingly clear now: eren is getting flustered. ] you know.

Hehe... [He'll reach up to touch Eren's cheek, noticing that the other is getting flustered]

You've made plenty of difference for me too. I don't think I would've taken as much action as I've had if I didn't have you to motivate me.

[ there's no way he could say this is some ackervoodoo telling elliot to like him, right. surprisingly, touching his cheek makes eren's lips curve in a bright (literally bright) attempt to follow through with a facial expression that he doesn't know how to work.

it comes out as a frown, and in his lap, free and lonely— his fingers twitch. it's not as if they haven't held hands before but this time— the reasoning for wanting to is what makes eren hesitate. look away. not again . . . it's a notable feeling shared through the threads of a bond: an emotional wall being anxiously peeked over. a pole being shortened. wanting to take a step forward but wary of the consequences if he did. one finger first.

eren jaeger is one of the only men in existence who do relationships completely backwards. ]

[That facial expression was a strange one, but it was strangely adorable. Elliot feels the anxiety through the bond. It's a little strange- he's used to feeling anxiety, but not some that weren't his own.

Unfortunately, Elliot is a little dense and doesn't fully understand WHY he was feeling it. Maybe his nerves were catching up to him after sharing all this? That happens to Elliot sometimes. Or was it uncertainty about accepting good things about himself?

So he smiles and moves to take that hand - his small hand slipping into those claws. He knows Eren craves physical contact but also is always wary to initiate it, so the least he can do is make up the difference]

Hehe, sorry. Did I say something embarrassing?

[ maybe . . . it was better this way, eren finds, even if his stomach does twisty loops all the while in contact. as long as he didn't acknowledge anything, it would be easier on both of them, even if nothing was ever taken to a serious, life-changing degree. he didn't even want that, and that wasn't what this was.

but he was allowing elliot in just a little bit further from the shell he was stuck outside of. maybe just an inch. ]

No.

[ and that's all he'll probably say for the evening, frowning (pouting, to be frank) and staring out to the drawing waves of the harbor. ]

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