fiddlestick | IC Contact

[that sounds kinda serious....]

Okay.
I could probably make it about 90 minutes earlier if I have the dough rise at your place.

sounds great
sorry, about it being sudden
even i have things in the oven rn i didn’t plan for it at all

no its fine
is everything okay?

it will be, i want to rely on you for it.
it’s because of a memory thing from earlier
and the last thing i want to give you is a shitty surprise

Okay. You can always rely on me.
I'll see you soon.

safe rides
I’m gonna leave the door open

[ that alone brings some comfort, but not enough to shake it all off by himself. building security would let elliot in with no problems, they knew who he was anyway; the smell of baked fruit can be scented from the floor as soon as elliot were to step out of the elevator. the door’s unlocked too, as said so. and inside would be quiet music playing from the living room ihome, the oven heated with surprises, the counter full of other covered delights and the dinner table made in a very eren way: pulled up to the living room by the fire, and while not amazingly decorated and organized, there’s obvious effort tagged to it.

he’s trying to hang an ornament up on the tree, with shaking and stiff hands, one side of face freshly bruised in the ways it used to when eren got into fights, but he’s already iced. that wasn’t really the problem anyway. at least he’s still dressed for their ocassion. ]

[Elliot did his best to get everything gathered before he headed out. He threw a quick overnight backpack together, he left a note for his roommates, gathered all his cooking supplies, and even made sure to pack his violin and staff- just in case. The Lyft driver gave him a look when they saw Elliot was carrying a violin case in one hand, and a container full of dough in the other-- but it was far from the weirdest thing that's ridden in their backseat, so the ride passed with minimum questions.

He greets security as he comes in, and it takes little time for him to ride the elevator and enter the apartment- he knows the way by heart. The smell alone coming from the apartment is enticing. Opening the door (after playing arm shuffled with the things he was carrying), he's got a smile on his face]

Hey Eren!

[He'll step inside, setting the violin by the door and bringing the dough to sit on the kitchen counter to rest for awhile. He then comes over to Eren to see him properly-- and notice his face]

Oh no, what happened to your face??

[ the face is . . . the better looking thing. eren gives a small half smile (it’s troubled and short lived) when he catches the sound of him coming in, setting the ornaments down carefully and making an effort to pull his sleeves over his hands. not to permanently hide them, just so— he doesn’t drop everything on him at once. he’s good at holding the winces back with a stoned face, at least. if he can handle making the mess, he can most certainly handle the aftermath.

he doesn’t forget to greet him the way he always does, placing a brief kiss to the forehead and taking his overnight bag for him. ]

A friend had to deck the shit out of a dumbass. [ and that dumbo was him. did it work? well, it definitely made him think. his hand goes behind elliot’s back to guide him to sit somewhere. ] I dunno if he’s gone for good, though.

[ elliot can be the judge. ]

[He's got full on concerned look. He can tell Eren is talking about himself, and he never likes hearing Eren talk about himself that way. But what could happen to make him think that punching the heck out of his face was deserved?

He'll choose to sit on the couch, but he'll immediately reach for Eren's hands as if to gently guide him to sit down with him. He doesn't start healing him yet. He plans to, but not yet. Instead he does his best to keep his voice even, calm. It's not just the bruises that hurt, from the sound of it. Eren's heart needs attention too.]

Tell me what happened.

[ both his hands are stiff when elliot reaches for them, handles them as they sit. they’ll feel oddly irregular all across the palms and topside, not at all smooth as skin should be. he’s patted down the blood earlier, so it isn’t bleeding— but it’s still humid, they’re still open wounds, deep, lined holes in a c-shape in some places, completely torn in others. flip the hands over and the same shapes are there. they connect, and what once looked like some freak accident becomes disturbingly clear: they’re all bites from a human mouth.

his fingers curl as much as they can into elliot’s own hands, which isn’t a lot. he sounds as sturdy as he seems, and a part of eren couldn’t be more thankful for it, proud of it. a part of him felt shitty that he wasn’t the same way right now, though. ]

. . . I wanted to remember more. [ he doesn’t meet his gaze, looking at his hands instead and feeling guilty. he felt like he was being dishonest with his entire self all this time. his eyes are already reddening and it’s instinctual to hide it. ] I found out I had . . . Some power. I dunno what. I just wanted it back.

[Elliot looks down when his thumb runs over Eren's hand and he feels...uneven, broken skin. His eyes widen at the wounds on the hand. It only takes a few moments to click what these came from, thanks to his aunt and uncle enrolling him in one too many CSI-related courses than he'd care to be part of. Those were bite marks- the size of human--

He stares down at the hands, silent for a moment. His mind thinks back to that day of the earthquake, when Eren bit his hand without a second thought. It had freaked Elliot out a little that day, how quickly and easily Eren had bitten himself hard enough to cause harm. It wasn't a normal reaction. People naturally will avoid causing harm. But Eren wasn't, Eren was going so far to intentionally cause himself harm. And for what? Memories?

And this wasn't the first time, he thinks, remembering that day in the forest. When he found out Eren had let himself get beaten and bruised over the gear he got. Elliot had pleaded with him, tried to reason with him, prayed he would stop hurting himself over some ghosts. But not even a month later-- ]

What the hell, Eren.

[His voice hasn't raised. But if you needed an indication that you messed up somewhere, Elliot actually swearing might as well be sign from the heavens.]

[ he feels it like a knife carved right into his heart. two knives, three knives, four until it reaches his name, for each word. he knows he went too far, and now he wished he could’ve stopped it while he could, perhaps heeded dave and john’s warning and piece of advice with more care. he took it lightly, and he took it all for granted.

there’s only silence now, not even a breath of sound for a few moments before eren’s shoulders shudder and air hitches from his nostrils. he still doesn’t look up, but wetness drops over their hands as he cries. the problem was just that: he had been biting himself lightly and healing up on his own. it only got this deep because . . . he relived what he asked for. he got what was coming. his chest trembles and his voice squeaks and shakes, he needs to tell someone. ]

I wouldn’t . . . It wasn’t like this, but I, I got one, and hallucinated. It felt real, all over again— a t–titan, ate him, in front of me, [ he could still hear bone crunch and everything else in between drop, he saw it with his own eyes, scent it with his own nose. he even felt it on his face. ] because I couldn’t do anything, no matter how many times I bit myself— Even then, I had powers and now?

[ he’s hiccuping, and wheezing, and looking much too pathetic to wear. a shaking hand covers his mouth as his stomach flips horridly from the imagery clear in his head like high definition pictures. nothing removes the dread of something like that happening here, with his loved ones here, and for the same reason: what if he can’t do anything?

gone were the days of excitement to figure out what he used to do in the past life, enthusiastic for another lifetime of otherworldly military, maybe with magic, or more. but he’s never been to war beyond playing the battlefield series and watching films, drilling simulations at base that would never compare to seeing live bodies being snapped in two by inhuman monsters. just last month, he’d get adrenaline rushes thinking about titans. now? they terrify him. he hates them. he can’t stand the thought of them. he wasn’t being dramatic under these circumstances, he was being human. he doesn’t know how to deal with any of this. it’s nothing he thought it was. it was cruel.

he always preached about taking things seriously, and that the world was cruel— but not even he had known the true weight of those words. was he trying to seem responsible, or tough, or reliable this whole time? a picture perfect, successful soldier, because if he didn’t have that he wouldn’t have anything at all. it’s the only thing he thought he could do. all he looks like to himself now is an idiot, a selfish idiot that wanted to be something beyond what he was. he wanted to be special, and that was fucking moronic and he was willing to put this life on the passenger seat, with everyone he knew in it, just to feel that.

worst of all, he’s disappointed and hurt the person he cherished and loved most.. ]

I’m still just a pathetic, spoiled little kid . . . Who can’t do anything but let people down.

[Elliot doesn't look at Eren. He's still staring down at that hand. That marred up hand. The memory that Eren describes sound horrid, watching someone get eaten by a titan- whatever a titan was supposed to be. Some kind of giant maybe- but it doesn't really matter. It'd be a horrific, traumatizing thing for anyone to see. Of course Eren would be shaken up by it.

Shaken up doesn't mean resorting to self harm. Elliot squeezes his eyes shut, the tears are already starting to form.]

S-Stop! Stop talking about yourself that way!

[His free hand clutches the material on his pant leg until it bunches up. He has to swallow to talk more. His voice is quiet, shaking.]

I'm sorry you saw that, that's terrible. But do ... do you think the rest of us aren't terrified of being unable to do anything to help someone? I've been scared of it ever since this started. That first month I was...I was so scared I'd lose you or Carlos because I was so useless. [He shakes his head] Getting powers? It helped, but it didn't make the fear go away. Something could...still happen. Carlos becoming a firefighter didn't stop my home from ...

[Burning down, he means to say, but his throat closes on the words. Eren knew the story anyway. The many years they've known each other made it impossible for Eren to notice that Elliot didn't have parents. ]

But to tell you the truth? [He finally look up at Eren. There's no denying it, those sure are tears] I-I'm starting to become more scared that I'll lose you to those memories than any monster.

[Eren gets lost in the memories so easily. Too easily. He can understand being upset by them, being disturbed. But this? Deliberately harming himself to the point of such extreme? This is too far. What about next time he gets a terrible memory? What if he gets more desperate? ]

[ he sucks in air at first, quiet and shaky, but it doesn’t stop him from thinking it regardless. a pathetic, spoiled kid, then and now, no matter how many times he tried to lie to himself instead of making a difference.

even in that, they were all in it together. eren listens to elliot and finally looks up when he speaks of himself, something that eren’s always tried to get: other people. and it was the same, no matter which angle you put it in or which shoes you step into. you can gain wonderful things, but you can’t stop every little thing from happening, no matter how much effort you put into it. no matter how much you hurt yourself–

the world is cruel, and you only have a chance at winning if you fight. even then, there’s no guaranteed success. that’s scary. the scariest thing alive. eren feels boils of remorse come as elliot finishes, not just because of his own fears, but seeing through elliot’s eyes just how selfish he’s been. selfish and unfair. the remains of his tears stream down now clean but reddened cheeks. perhaps the bruise had only been a dirt blemish. inhaling a deep breath and brows biting tightly, angrily even, eren clears his throat. ]

I don’t want this. [ he finally admits to something that he had denied the month before, after the same string of lighter conversation. he’s finally aware, after things had to go to mental hell, that this isn’t good for him. this isn’t good for him or for anyone around him. ] I don’t want to do this anymore, not— not the way I was.

That’s why I need you.

[ not just for support, or romantically— elliot kept more of a healthy balance between the two memories than eren did by a long shot. ]

[The world is cruel. Elliot learned that lesson from a young age. It scared Elliot a lot, knowing just how easily he could lose those he loved just like he lost his parents. It was a reason he fretted about those close to him as much as he did. Why he rarely hesitated to let someone know how much he cared for them.

He doesn't want to lose Eren. Not to monsters, and not to the memories. He doesn't know what will happen at the end of all this, when Retrospec completes their "project", but he knew he didn't want to lose Eren through it. He was too important to him. He loved him far too much.

So hearing Eren admit that he doesn't want this anymore? It...comes as some relief. Maybe Eren is reaching some level of self-awareness about it. Though when Eren says he needs Elliot? Confusion comes across his face. ]

Huh? [He sniffs a little] Wh-What do you need me for?

[Since that sure doesn't sound like a romantic gesture by any means]

[ god, he does not like seeing him cry. it’s a hurt he’s caused. eren crying was one thing, and he sucks it up, but elliot— he reaches, with his thumb, to rub them away. once that’s done, his hand falls, lightly trying to hold his. he had considered earlier to reject these memories completely, but what good would that do him if they were going to come anyway? ]

If I can’t stop them from coming— [ he tries to think of something, but it doesn’t take him long to find the answer. ] I need . . . to learn how to use them. I know that depends on me, but, [ he ends up biting his lip, almost feeling the need to rub his face, but doing so on his shoulder. ] It’s so, fucking confusing. I don’t know how—

I just know I can’t do it alone. And If I lose myself, I lose you— then I’m done for.

[ he’s trying to hold both his hands, but he’s shaking; it hurts, he’s afraid. he’s afraid of what he’ll see, because he can’t fight the past like he knows how to fight the present, and he’s afraid of how it’ll affect him. it already is. the biggest part, the one thing that gets him the most was the emotion. he couldn’t just shut that off like a switch.

but there had to be someway. ]

[He doesn't pull away. He lets Eren take his hands, but for the moment, they remain limp in Eren's hands. There's a sniff from him.]

I- I wouldn't call myself an expert. I'm not sure-- [He swallows. Thinking about his own memories? It was messy, to say the least. He didn't talk about his memories nearly as much as he probably should. He tended to lock them away, to make people not worry.

But he picks up on Eren's hands shaking. Eren's afraid. It hurts Elliot to see that so much. He didn't want Eren afraid or hurt. Even still feeling upset himself, he still felt compelled to try to fix it.

He takes in a deep breath, and pulls his hands away from the hold. Instead he leans over and pulls Eren into a hug, wrapping his arms around him in a hold]

Y-You're not losing me now. I'm here. [He can't promise forever, not right after he admitted that there's no way to stop something from happening for sure. But right now? He can be here. He rubs Eren's back, trying to be soothing ] We'll think of something, okay? But you don't...

[He pauses, thinking how to phrase it best.]

You don't have to be that Eren. You're you.

[ to still have elliot by his side after such a fuck up was more than any blessing imaginable. it didn’t dissolve or justify what he did, neither did the feelings, and eren didn’t even want it to— that’d end up meaning it was okay, and he knows it isn’t.

that’s not the first time elliot tries to tell him that, and eren might have shrugged it off the first time, out of a weird personal necessity to outbest himself, if that made sense, to feel some kind of validation from it. after another tremble from his shoulders, eren buries his face into the bulk of elliot’s clothes until his damp face is against his neck. he breathes there as much as he needs to, and tightens his arms around him urgently, squeezing him tight in return. puffed out with the shake of his breath, eren speaks quietly, but with certainty: ]

I don’t want to be that Eren.

[ it hurt to be that eren. that eren was the way he was because of circumstance. he was forced into war, and here he was now— having the chance to live something much happier. of course, with dangers, that existed everywhere, but it didn’t compare to that life. even then, it still brought up frightening pointers. what if he starts changing and doesn’t realize it, like he realizes now?

eren squeezes elliot again in his hold, raising his head so that he can press his cheek to his, the brush of fabric against each other making sounds that sizzle behind elliot even after they’ve stopped moving in the silence they sat it. just a very soft, nearly inaudible sssssssssssssss. ]

You’ve always been right— and I know you’re right, now. [he takes a deep breath, shaky from his own crying, but . . . calmed, at least. at least for now, too. ] If I want to move forward, I will. And I’m taking you with me.

[ No, it doesn't dissolve things entirely. Elliot might be wary for a long time coming about Eren backsliding again, since this isn't the first time they've had a talk like this. It meant there was always the chance it could happen again. That Elliot might find him yet again hurt from self-inflicted damage- trying to measure up to some memory or another. It'll take awhile for that worry to ebb away.

But still, he's still relieved to hear those words from Eren. He holds onto him tightly, hoping to be some comfort to some comfort to Eren. ]

I-I wouldn't say I'm always right. [Elliot knows there's times when he's been wrong, and he doesn't want to be put on some pedestal. That's not healthy.] And of course I'll go with you. I-

[He stops when he hears a very faint sound with his ears. That sounds like...]

-- I-Is something sizzling?

[Please don't tell me the galaxy phone isn't gonna blow]

[ even when cut off, it’s still important, and comforting to hear, perhaps even more than he felt he deserved at the moment. eren pulls himself back a little, his arms slipping away from elliot to their sides to look at him with swollen eyes. the sound isn’t coming from behind elliot, now it’s lower, at. their sides. ]

Sizzling? [ silence again, and he gives it an ear. that’s definitely like, something letting off steam? that’s what it sounds like.

but, actually, there actually is the tiniest strip of steam coming from— the couch? elliot’s pocket? oh god not the galaxy. it’s the closest thing to eren’s hands, and once he pulls them back to his lap to help them look for the source . . . the source is him. ]

[Elliot pulls back at the same time, pulling his phone out of his pocket to check on it. It seems fine, fortunately. So he looks back at Eren confused-

Just in time to see him steaming]

U-Uh- Eren?

[THATS NEW]

Edited 2017-12-19 02:25 (UTC)

[ eren doesn’t seem that confused at first, even if elliot does, because hey this has happened before, because of elliot’s food, he thought. but looking between his hands, the steaming open wounds and the other gives him one of the biggest doubts. ]

That’s . . . Not you?

[ he didn’t eat any magic food and elliot didn’t do anything . . . manually. ]

[This is a very prominent headshake]

N-No.

But, your cooking . . .

[ he ate it on that day and it did this, he thought . . . it couldn’t be him, you know? that’s how he’s been side stepping the mention of self harm until today. he didn’t have the past life for that sort of power. but, dave reminds him of that right that instant: elliot’s magic doesn’t make people steam. even if it was the most logical explanation for eren, that’s why he’s gone with it this whole time.

lo’ and behold, the broken, open skin is closing right back up before their eyes. everything from earlier makes a lot more sense now, but at the same time . . . it also doesn’t. ]

I can actually— that’s the power?

[ HE’S SO CONFUSED ]

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject