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[fiddlestick]

Elliot Craig

[MUFFLED VIOLIN MUSIC IN THE DISTANCE]

VOICE | TEXT | VIDEO | ACTION

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Comments

[usurpers]

[ at least it’s too late to argue!!! thank god. eren can keep smiling, and eat ice cream, and—

shit more than half of the carton is already gone. elliot!!!! ]

You need to eat this before I do.

[ he hands it over (but not without taking another spoonful. don’t worry they’ll open another one). ]

[fiddlestick]

[Yes you got lucky!!! Will this hold in the morning, who knows]

-- Already?? Eren slow down, you'll give yourself brain freeze!

[But fine, he'll take that spoon to eat some. At least it's an unusually warm January for this!]

[usurpers]

We can open another one then?

[ which he’s already doing so that elliot can keep the rest for his own stomach. eren jaeger is out of control ]

And listen to some music.

[ please don’t do anything that can remind one of dramatic romances or else he’ll cry. unless you want eren jaeger crying with ice cream. ]

[fiddlestick]

How will that stop brain freeze-

[HE SIGHS as another gets open. No point in arguing, Eren is reminding him of music]

What kind of music do you want?

[usurpers]

That one you made for me for our anniversary.

[ a bad choice, but his heart is stronger than him. ]

[fiddlestick]

[Oh Eren.]

That song?

Um, okay... Is it okay if I just play the music file? It's hard to eat ice cream and play violin at the same time.

[usurpers]

That’s perfect. You need to eat, too.

[ eren jaeger is already a mess because who the fuck taught him how to eat ice cream, he looks

questionable like has he ever used a spoon before. ]

[fiddlestick]

[EREN FOR THE LoVe OF GOD USE A SPOON]

Aha, okay. Hold on-

[he grabs his phone and hits a few buttons before this starts playing. It's quieter than it would be if he put on his speakers, but it is the middle of the night]

[usurpers]

[ eren jaeger will not use a spoon (correctly), he has a permit, this is a free country

volume doesn’t make a difference here; music was music, and this song was the song. the more it plays, the more that a change in demeanor is obvious. any smiles fade, and a once enthralled gaze lowers to his hands, then to the bed as he props himself up with his elbow, then . . . eren’s eyes nearly shut.

he’s far from sleeping, and quietly watches elliot eat. trying to smile when their eyes locked but coming up a little short. especially when he’d part his lips, to say something, then quickly represses it with a sigh. he wants to talk, he hasn’t forgotten about a few weeks ago, but there’s still something inside him that doesn’t permit him to, be it the way he had to preserve others of memories he wished he never had sometimes (which he’d afterwards condemn, or else he’d be ignorant all over again), or because it hurt him too much to speak of.

or maybe there’s that little branch in between that still thinks no one would understand. ]

It’s my favorite. [ he says, trying to fix elliot’s hair away from falling into the ice cream, before holds his breath.

he’s sure diddly dee done gonna cry in like five seconds ]

[fiddlestick]

[Elliot watches Eren, not failing not notice the change in the demeanor. Even if he tries to repress it, Elliot's known Eren for too long. This wasn't how he usually reacted to his music, he always seemed more blissful when listening to one of his pieces. Instead, it seemed to cause him some kind of hurt, sadness.

As Eren tries to fix Elliot's hair, Elliot will lower his spoon and lift his own hand to Eren's cheek. He asks softly:]

What's wrong?

[Because honey you don't show up in the middle of the night with tons of ice cream and then get upset over a romantic song over nothing. ]

[usurpers]

[ when eren’s eyes rise to meet elliot’s once his cheek goes touched, with warmth— that just about does it. he’s still holding it in, if lack of breathing says anything, his shoulders tremble inward, and his eyes go bright red with filling tears that quickly drip and wet the hand that holds him.
he tried, and when he opens his mouth to speak, a last minute attempt to keep it together—

the song still plays, elliot is here with him, and he crumbles. ]

Trying not to feel emotions that aren’t mine, [ he sucks in air, and now softly, he’s crying. his breath hitches up and down, and there’s more hurt in his eyes than he could fathom. the way he wraps himself around elliot is like— god. if he could stay like this, he would. ] and it’s not working.

[fiddlestick]

[Oh no...poor Eren. Elliot doesn't know what's going on, but it doesn't matter. He sets his own bowl of ice cream aside and moves to wrap his arms around Eren, pulling him into a hug. He rubs his back]

H-Hey...it's okay. Just let it out, I'm here.

[usurpers]

[ it doesn’t matter if it wasn’t his memory when the whole ordeal was real. it happened. and it probably happened around the world, every minute (never in this degree, he hopes).

a lump forms in his throat and he’s silent between sniffs. he doesn’t know where to start and he doesn’t know what to say without sharing grief because that’s not something he’s happy to share. then again, would being quiet do any better for them? it may look so in the long run but, really . . . how long has it been since he’s sat to talk about something he remembers? the most recent wasn’t the best, and eren’s been on silent for far longer than that, his own opinions only budding.

because it’s not worth it when people don’t understand beyond being a waste of breath, energy and peace. ]

I remembered how Dad and Dina separated. [ it, at least, has nothing to do with morality. he lets that slide by completely, and brings his palms to squeeze into his eyes, rubbing the tears past his temples. ] There was only one time I woke up screaming like that.

[fiddlestick]

[It's been a long time since they shared memories. It didn't used to be that way, they used to sit together and talk through them together. Kept each other grounded. But then one day...it just stopped. Eren stopped talking. Maybe Elliot could've pushed more, convinced him to share more but...

Well, it was no matter. He was talking now, and Elliot was here to listen, holding onto him with arms meant to comfort him]

Dina...? [he remembers Eren mentioning his past self having a half-brother so] Was that his first wife?

[He rubs his back. Screaming? It must've been really bad]

[usurpers]

They were going to turn her into a titan. He loved her. [ he says it with emphasis because he knows what he felt as something he has, and what he felt was that very love getting shredded apart, by dogs. ] But Krüger had to or else they’d . . . [ it’s disgusting, and eren doesn’t want to finish.

he has memories from the other man that shares his name, and he saw his view. he saw why. and he would have preferred her titanized in that instance but both were horrid nightmares she’d have to stay stuck in and—

eren doesn’t know what he’d do if he was faced with the same choice, and just the thought makes him shatter. ]

It’s the same, when I dreamed you fell off a fire escape and I couldn’t catch you. [ and that— was more than a year ago. ] I couldn’t do anything. He couldn’t do anything.

[fiddlestick]

Oh Eren....

[He keeps holding onto him. He knows all too well what that kind of grief feels like. He felt it with his parents. There hadn't been anything he could do to save them, no matter how much he screamed.

He hated that the memories made Eren experience something like this.]

I'm so sorry...

[His voice is quiet, sad]

It's really the worst feeling, I know.

[usurpers]

[ eren’s arm finally raises up to pull him in tighter, but he’s quiet. he’s silent once more because there was nothing else to say other than he was sorry, too, and for a second, he wonders if he made the right call to actually say anything. he’s still feeling broken up. he still feels like it’s a lingering possibility that he didn’t have control over. he thought he did a long time ago, but he didn’t.

this is starting to feel more awkward for him than comforting, and he doesn’t know which way to pull. ]

I’m sorry.

[ that’s the first word his heart thinks to say, and almost immediately does eren let his head hang. ]

[fiddlestick]

Mm?

[He tilts his head a little, trying to look at him]

Why are you sorry?

[It's a curious tone, not scathing. What is there to be sorry about right now? He was upset, of course he should look for comfort]

[usurpers]

You can be here, with me. And me with you.

[ eren sighs through his nose, a heavy one, and he tries to keep his eyes neutral, but— his brows furrow together, as if in pain, and tears come again. he hates this. he hates these memories and he hates the feeling and he doesn’t have enough wisdom to think right now that i don’t regret these memories, and these powers, because I wouldn’t have met so many great people and have this life and have the power to protect it, please fuck that, right now, for like five seconds.

what’s worse is that there’s still a thunder cloud inside him that says he’s right in some way, and so continues the tug of war. he just . . . can’t keep ignoring the feeling anymore. the air. it’s felt suffocating ever since that day and it hasn’t gone away. ]

But it still feels like I’m losing you the more I try to ignore it.

[ and what if he was gone for good? what would eren do then? eren would cease. ]

[fiddlestick]

[....Ah. That.

Elliot doesn't move and is quiet than a longer pause than what would probably be comforting. He...he can't deny there's been some distance between them lately, some tension. It'd be easy to blame that conversation in the jail cell, and maybe that's part of it. But he couldn't deny it's been going on for awhile now. ]

And why do you think you're losing me?

[usurpers]

[ there are plenty of ways he can answer this one, and he lets himself cry a bit more through it or else he wouldn’t talk at all, he’d just hiccup. breaths are needed, and for a moment he can’t help but to feel redness in the question. like it wasn’t obvious.

patience. so much patience is needed. for one to fight with elliot about being open and talking things out, eren was the most hypocritical of them all.

or maybe he was seeing the one thing he hated that he’s been doing this whole time. when eren inhaled and decides to spread his cards on the table, most of all— he’s afraid to say it. but how much silence do they need to create distance that would become irreplaceable? ]

I don’t remember the last time I really told you something about me. And if I did, it didn’t matter. [ jail cell aside, he means. ] And it just builds up from there.

[fiddlestick]

[He was mostly asking to see if Eren had noticed the same things he had, if they were on the same page on this at the very least. No point in assuming anything.

When Eren answers, he shuts his eyes and sucks in his breath a little.]

...Yeah. We haven't done a proper memory share in a long time. And that last time, in the prison... [He bites his lip a little] It did feel like what I said didn't matter, I'll admit.

[usurpers]

[ the very reason why eren doesn’t act on the frustration, he very well knows why the question is asked. do not worry dear craig, eren is just being an emotional, dramatic, human titty baby, it’ll pass.

and to this, he sighs. a tired look that wishes he could just start on a blank page. ]

If it didn’t work even a little bit, I wouldn’t be telling you this. [ but . . . ] What do you suggest? Because neither of us likes this, and my plan was shit from the start.

[ he’s not fishing for something to blame his behavior on. memory-influenced or not, eren blames himself for this one. ]

[fiddlestick]

[A plan....it's not like Elliot has thought up something that'd fix the issues of their relationship. not when he barely understood what was causing these issues. ]

I don't...

[He sighs, pulling back a little so he can look Eren in the eye]

I don't know yet. I just...what changed Eren? Something must've, we had been doing so well before.

[usurpers]

[ he knows the honest answer to that one, and it only takes a minute for eren to vocalize, eyes back on elliot. ]

I changed.

[ he doesnt say that with dangerous resolve. he says it with sadness. he thought it was for better. he finally— stopped worrying about the death count that had once ripped him apart, but look what it was doing to him now? it doesn’t mean he couldn’t change again, humans are in constant change all the time. every moment is a phase.

he thought he saw everything, but he’s in a darker spot than he actually realized.

and without elliot, it was lonely. all over again. he’s confused. he’s lost. because he thought he knew who he was and it was almost comforting— until he realized just how much the space around him echoed. it felt like he was bringing the tragedy back without the need to. ]

And I don’t know how to feel about it anymore.