fiddlestick | aefenglom IC Inbox

["I thought about annulling our bond more than once". Even if Elliot had had his suspicions, it hurt to hear his anxieties confirmed. He has to swallow, his own stomach twisting.]

I...had a feeling you have. These days you seem so...tired of me. When I speak my mind, when I don't... E-Even now, I feel a little like I'm walking on eggshells picking my words.

[He tried hard to make his bond happy. Sometimes he'd try hard to be serious - a companion Eren could trust. Other times he'd try to be cheerful - a piece of light Eren could see in his own darkness. While Elliot never outright lied about who he is, there came a point where who he was with Eren wasn't authentically himself. Just versions of him that he'd hope would appease his Bond.]

It...Only recently did I start to realize it wasn't because there was something wrong with me. [Which is big for him, as it's so easy to blame himself, especially when Rean wasn't here to correct him] You'd...end up feeling the same way no matter which witch you'd bond with, because it's not the witch you're tired of.

[It was himself, and the pain he felt. Eren was lost in the woods of suffering and didn't know how to get out. Didn't know if he could get himself out.]

You're moving Eren...but you're only moving in place. And you're strong so you've managed for a long time, but... you need some way to lift that weight before it crushes you.

[ he’s only feeling mildly relieved now, knowing that elliot isn’t blaming himself for the mental mess he was— but it wasn’t enough to simmer down the fanned flames that have grown for so long. he doesn’t sigh, he doesn’t even speak at first—

there’s only a quiet nod after he recollects himself, and allows his shoulders to slump with a melancholy sense of agreement. at least he’s realizing this, but. it’s still not enough for anything drastic now. eren sniffs, and then continues, softly amongst rather enthusiastic chatter around them as other blind dates assemble: ]

I was thinking about finding a second witch to bond with. Getting excess magic off me could help, but, [ his head cants, and he looks up. eye to eye. ] I know I need something more.

[ maybe he was anxious too, to return home, even if he’d be placed right where he was taken. ]

I have no idea beyond— finishing. But home isn’t going anywhere. [ he just needs to dig that. into. his thick skull. as hard as it was. ] I’ve never trusted anyone to help me more than myself, so . . . I’m trusting you.

[ it doesn’t matter anymore if he didn’t before, or only trusted him up to a certain point. it’s a clear call for help that he’s rather desperately wanting. ]

I’d understand if you want to stop here, [ you know, with everything. self preservation and all, and eren didn’t want to dictate his choice in staying or leaving this time. ] and I know I didn’t want to hear it before, but I want to hear it now. If there’s anything that you think could help, [ he doesn’t need to say what it is, because even now, at this very moment, while upset and somber— he was so angry. it wasn’t even directed it was just— anger. hanging there with nowhere to go or even pinpoint why, which directed to the closest person that ticked him off. ] I’m listening. And I’m sorry.

[ apologies bother him so much because they feel empty and worthless especially when only an idiot makes the same mistakes over and over again. maybe he’s just upset that blind men could keep making mistakes no matter which path they walk through. ]

[That's a lot of power Eren is offering him, having that trust. It does seem to move Elliot a little, but there's still skepticism interwoven into his emotions. Would Eren really listen? Would he get mad if Elliot said something Eren didn't like and tune him out again?

There was a chance of that, Elliot recognized. Even if Eren recognized he needed help didn't mean he'll know how to accept it. All Elliot can do is hope that these sincere sounding words had follow-through. He prayed that it did. Through everything, he did still care about Eren. He wanted life to come back into those eyes. ]

...Alright.

[All he can do is try. It's a tall order, thinking of something that can help someone as lost as Eren was. His hands sit on the table, interweaving his own fingers together as he thinks.

After a long time of thought, he takes a deep breath]

First of all, you need to stop acting like your days here don't matter. I know you'd rather be finishing your mission back home, but .... these days aren't meaningless. You were given extra time for a reason ... even if you don't understand why now.

[He's seen Eren's behaviors. If he wasn't working towards finding a way home, he was living pretty aimlessly. He never let him enjoy the moment. He was always looking towards the end, seemingly unaware that ends are rarely as satisfying or lasting as one would think.]

As for all your weight... maybe you need an outlet. Not an escape like sex or drinking. Something that lets you safely work through all those feelings you have inside of you, so it becomes more manageable. For me...that's music. But there's other things too ... gardening, art, writing, cooking...

[In other words, get a hobby]

Think you should try one of those first before you get another witch involved in all this. I'm not saying never get another bond, but...

[Honestly man, in the state you're in right now? Throwing another person in might go real badly]

[ his throat is dry, and he has to wet his lips to get words rolling off his tongue, but when he does: ]

I know. [ elliot could have that peace of mind, at least, without any annoyance attached. just simple reassurance he wasn’t trying to do something completely stupid. it wasn’t an immediate plan or that it would solve him foremost if he didn’t have direction before he started to look. direction first, but— he figured elliot should know it was a plan for when he . . . found a way around.

he’s so caught up in going home that everyone else comes in third place. he was right about that and there isn’t even an argument to unravel for it. no irritation to it, just— acceptance. he doesn’t know how much he could undo of himself, simply forgetting wasn’t an option and untreated trauma is just. there. in neon lights. what he does try to think though, as he folds his wings close to his chest is: ]

I’ve never done any of that. [ when he thought about gardening he could only see himself . . . hurting the plants. setting mikleo’s on fire was the last time he got so intimately near one. art makes him think of spectacular photo-realistic drawings, or sculpting, that he doesn’t have a knack for. he doesn’t have the patience to write when it doesn’t have to do with conspiracy theories. he gives an ironic huff. ] . . . Except for cooking.

[ he’s a mediocre cook. ]

I never had outstanding talent. I’ve always been average. [ he wasn’t belittling himself, it was just the truth. he was no one special. he didn’t have something amazing about him as a kid or growing up, something the other students would marvel at. a gift or a quirk. he was just loud, annoying and didn’t know when to call it quits because he never did, even when he was close to. he struggled. the only thing special about him was what was special about every single one of them. ] But I’ve always had perseverance.

[ he’s at least proud it got him this far, that he even has something to say keep going instead of breaking down and throwing in the towel. he’ll. try? whatever it is that looks at least close enough to fitting with him. ]

[It does seem so far that Eren is listening to what he's saying, or at least not rejecting it outright. Which was encouraging, to say the least]

That's fine. Honestly, perseverance is more important than raw talent when it comes to stuff like this. [Elliot was naturally talented as a musician which gave him a good starting point, but that talent alone would've only gotten him so far. It was the hours and hours and hours of practice and the commitment to improving himself that really helped him reach the professional level.] Besides, this would be something you're doing for yourself. The skill level doesn't matter.

The important part is when you make something ... it's yours. You've heard me play a lot ... you can tell when I'm putting my heart into a piece, right?

Edited 2020-02-18 03:37 (UTC)

Always.

[ it was one of the most beautiful things in motion. ir was no stranger to eren, at least with that much— he knew how to recognize when there was heart in something or not. in elliot’s music, there was more than necessary to hand out when they didn’t overflow from his tunes and musical notes. maybe, who knew. elliot would be the first to see his macaroni picture. ]

I’ll . . . Try something. [ he didn’t know what, out of those, but hell what else did he have to lose? he’ll play the elimination game. ] And you can be the judge.

[ if it’s healthy!! or not. if something suits him!!! or not. ]

[It's a relief hearing Eren so open to an idea. Of being willing to try. He offers a small smile and nods at him]

Alright. Lemme know if you need help getting started. I can get you supplies or...anything else you need.

[He is here to help!!! He knows enough friends in creative hobbies to know what's needed for each one]

...I look forward to see what you create Eren.

[ even if he’s still stuck on step one: what do? as small as the smile was . . . eren ducks his head after looking at it, at elliot, too long. well— there’s something right happening, at least. it’s what makes him nod in turn, and swallow, to gesture with his chin. ]

From what you know about me, [ stature, style, erm, weapon of choice? it’s always been his hands, ] any suggestions?

[Eren it's okay to look at him. He's sitting right across from you and is your Bonded.

He does give it some thought. Music, as much as he loved it - did take a lot of learning first before someone could get creative. Eren might not have the patience for that. Gardening...it relied on the weather. Cooking required a kitchen, hard to find in a tunnel. And writing...well, he could see Eren struggling to get the words on paper. ]

Hmm.... I'd say art. It's the easiest one to get into as a novice and start being creative.

[ no it gives him a doki

art, then. art. what has he ever done related to art? there's nothi—oh, there is. a few moments worth. eren has a halt in thought, going from a leisurely nod and about ready to leave before getting mentally struck. ]

I've . . . Done it before. [ he just completely forgot about it. deleted. erased from his thoughts. never to be seen again, but now— it's a jumpstart?! ] After Peridot blew a hole in Lex's wall— I painted it.

[ he's forgetting that he used completely different colors for each splash, but. close enough. ]

[Oh hey, Eren has some recognition]

Yeah, painting's a big style of art! My friend Gaius, that's his favorite style.

[You got it right Eren! You have done art!!!]

Did you enjoy it?

[ did he enjoy it? ]

I just threw paint capsules at the wall. [ but after some silence— he reminisces and ends up smiling, awkwardly: ] And made another hole.

[ by. mistake. but over all, yes. he did enjoy it. probably more because he had a rowdy partner to paint with at the time (steven is high energy). it was alright. ]

[That sure is a smile from Eren as he reminisces. Awkward it may be, it still counts. Painting was a fond memory]

Hehe, well I'm sure Lex was thrilled by that.

[He'll reach over now, taking Eren's hand to squeeze it gently]

Sounds like painting would be a good start for you.

[ he has to doubletake to his own hand when he feels external heat on his fingers, curling around them as eren awkwardly sat there and did nothing— until he did, and attempts to lower his head, but not his gaze, to mask at least half of the color his connection ultimately fails at hiding. it's a doki.

his talons curve back and he makes his move slow, until the pads of his digits are the only ones in contact. if there wasn't mutual warmth, on top of gratitude being fed into their bond, there is now. ]

Are you going to stay here longer?

[ he needed time to think about all this now, and had planned on leaving— but if elliot was close to collecting his money, he wouldn't be above walking him home. ]

[That sure is a doki. Having such positive feelings coming from his bond feels like a warm blanket, easy to wrap around and take comfort in. Maybe they still have things to work out, but this conversation? It helped. The unspoken tension had lifted some.

He keeps holding onto his hand, reaching his thumb to carefully stroke against Eren's rough skin of his hand.]

I'm not sure. Though honestly, considering the other conversations I've had so far, I don't see my night improving if I stick around.

[Talking with Sasuke...was a ride]

Why do you ask?

[ one thing was talking things out, another was putting improvements into actual action. only time would tell for eren now, and without letting go of his bond (stroking is nice, even if his skin is thicker), he slouches back in preparation of moving out of his seat.

and hey sasuke was cool. ]

I'll walk you back.

[ it is decided ]

[Eren you would find him cool. You would.

Elliot perks up at that. He wasn't expecting that since it's been awhile since Eren walked him home when it wasn't a time when something was horribly wrong with Elliot]

Really? Well, sure! I wouldn't turn that down--

[Wait]

Wait, are you sure Mikasa won't spot you?

[ traumatized and untreated young adults need to stick together. anyway, he lets the hand go only to flatter his chair back, and doesn’t miss a beat. he has that covered since a few days ago. ]

I can smell her. [ like a hound looking for blood, he’d be able to distinguish the fizzy scent of wild berry fae far faster than any ordinary person or monster, anywhere from just out of sight to a little further that his limits, depending on the wind. perks? or plagues.

besides, he has a hood if he needs to walk by. he had to act as natural as possible, even if his heart skipped. he also, uh, knows where she lives and who she hangs out with, but instead of saying anything like that he only clears his throat. ] I’ve got it covered.

You....do?

[He sounds a little surprised about that. He knows Eren has a great sense of smell and taste but....that was here, not at home. So how did he already know her scent if he was trying to avoid her...?

He thinks about asking but...you know. Maybe some things are better left on their own to work out]

Well, alright. If you're sure. I'd be happy to have you walk me home. [He gets up as well, offering his hand again]

[ it’s probably obvious already, with elliot’s correct thought process indeed: eren has been a naughty dragon . . . :( it hadn’t been as if eren appreciated the drop in topic (or did), because. maybe it was for the best, especially when he would completely avoid her after a full moon encounter (and then fail horribly at avoiding in the future because he has weaknesses—)

a hand is good to take at times like these, a time where eren seems to be frowning but isn’t actually upset. his face is. stuck that way? it comes with the rise in heat. ]

Been a while. [ . . . he will definitely fix these. ] Years . . . Actually.

[ last time this happened eren was close to normal, he was still short haired and young. ]

Edited 2020-02-29 03:17 (UTC)

[Yeah, Elliot has a feeling Eren wasn't doing so well at avoiding her as he wanted to think he would. But for now, it wasn't his place to poke the topic. Maybe at a later time...but for now, it was better to let things happen naturally. Mikasa was still getting accustomed to being here, after all.

He smiles a little as his hand gets taken, giving a gentle squeeze]

Years for you, maybe. It's been a little less for me. [Months, though still a long time.]

Remember the day we met? Outside the dream.

[ how could he even forget! he even remembers the violin from the dream and the merrow they got rid of. he remembers being upset, then being quelled— and, at that, eren smiles almost inelegantly, but then again, when had eren ever been elegant? ]

You threw water on me. [ that’s exactly what he remembers. of course elliot didn’t throw on purpose, but the dragon was blunt. ] It still feels like a long time ago, even if it wasn’t. I had human legs.

[ he still looked a lot more human than he did dragon then— hell, he looked like a boy. it’s strange, how even the changes makes it feel even longer than the gap of time had been, though he had mirrors to blame. ]

[Elliot smiles when he hears that Eren did remember. It was a memory that Elliot would revisit a lot, one of his first real happy memories in this world.]

Yeah, you did. Though even then you were still really tall. [Especially to Elliot, who is very much a short guy. Even the five months back home had done nothing for his height.]

It was an accident, but I was so nervous you'd get mad at me. But you didn't. You were nice and just talked to me.

I’d get mad if you did it on purpose.

[ but that time, no. it had been obvious he didn’t mean to, plus eren just kind of . . . snuck up on him. getting spooked or dropping it where you weren’t expecting a person to be there was as easy as bumping into someone who just turned the corner. ]

. . . You’re kind of always nervous. [ nervous might not be the right word, but eren says it lightly, not meaning to be rude when curtness was just second nature. at least he rounds up with: ] But you’re cautious, and careful, [ care, specifically. ] about some things I’m not.

[ that’s a compliment— eren knows his self preservation is below zero, an extreme to the point that it gets detrimental. he knows there’s a downside to elliot’s anxiety too, but everyone with their balance, strengths and weaknesses. he could see what he wouldn’t want for himself, and what he sometimes wished he had more of, to an extent. ]

[Lucky for Eren, Elliot takes no offense to someone pointing out that he was always nervous. He knew it was true, and there was no hiding it from his bond who had to deal with it all the time.]

Yeah, I know I am. [It was just part of what made him him] And well, I guess being nervous all the time helps with being careful. Planning ahead for outcomes helps me relax a little.

[Did you hear that, it was Elliot actually not belittling himself, but rather acknowledging one of his traits in a neutral fashion. It took...a long time to get here, but it happened]

You can be pretty impulsive... but it's thanks to that we've made a lot of progress I would've stalled on.

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