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[His eyes go wide because yes he sure picks up on what Eren means.]

Oh no...

[Really what else can you say to that. Eren you dang trainwreck]

She didn’t know it was me, either. Both of us drank and were— really out of it. I hardly remember.

[ even if they didn’t flat out do the deed— just. kissed a lot. and succ. but even eren’s own memory is spotty about it with only alcohol to fill in the spaces. maybe the oh, no should intensify . . . ]

I spent most of the month thinking I should just disappear from here. Keep running. [ not die, nothing like that. just. poof, as any human would feel at some point. eren draws his arms between his legs, shoulders on top of them and weaving his fingers together— his talons tap his knuckles. ] Sounds like a waste of time, doesn’t it?

Oh no, Eren...

[Yep, that sure is an intensified oh no, because Eren has earned it. There's so many bad choices at once here, and also the complete opposite of AVOIDING Mikasa. He had expected things to turn ugly at some point, but Eren sure managed to exceed expectations on how much]

...Yeah, it does. I mean it's an understandable feeling, but... [Running wouldn't fix anything. Running HASN'T fixed anything, clearly in Eren's case]

...Have you decided to stop running then?

[ eren needs to . . . sigh all over again. it's a lot and he's tired and even the choice he's making now is a difficult one. honestly, there's a part of him that's afraid. afraid he's making the wrong choice and it gnaws at the edges of his like a famished mutt. ]

Because of a friend who showed up, a friend who left— and you.

[ he didn't know how to explain being told something so many times only for it to not make any sense at all until it finally did— he's not too late, but hell if he doesn't feel a lot more than an asshole, shit and motherfucker all in one bundle. ]

You always said this could be another chance and it . . . Didn't look that way until it felt like I really had one.

[ if that made sense—? and he's just— so torn that he didn't see it before. now jean's gone, but at least eren could say, for certain, that the last thing he could remember about him at this very moment was . . . fun. ]

[ He listens to Eren's words, and also listens to the bond they share. How Eren still felt nervous about the choices he was making, torn. ]

...I'm sorry to hear your friend left.

[He didn't know who it was, but the sentiment was the same. Crow had just left a day ago, so he knew that it hurt even if he knows he might be able to see him at home, at long last.]

Sometimes it takes awhile for things to sink it ... [So yeah, no offense that his words took awhile to take effect. It happens] So what will you do now?

[ sentiment appreciated and reciprocated. ]

I don't know how much you knew Sokie. [ . . . ] Or Jean.

[ there's a touch to sokie's name, of genuine fondness. a witch he hung out with a lot, they had some pretty good runs and fooling around stemming from a mutual attraction to the liberty they loved. jean, on the other hand, runs deeper. the roots of that name dig deep and wrap around the core reason eren has made serious, unrelenting choices. it's a jab to the gut. he's important, has been important for years as they grew.

and for some reason, elliot will be reminded of a horse. ]

I need to talk to her. Mikasa. [ —correction. ] If she wants to talk to me.

[ eren rolls his shoulders back, turns his hand up, exposes his palm . . . and sets it on elliot's lap. he knows what he wants to do and he's going through with it but he still feels. shaky? frightened? worried? he doesn't look any of those things, eren was sturdy and imposing. even right now, when you looked at him. it was the inside that only elliot could see right now. ]

She'll be able to choose what she wants from there, [ he's— letting her go, to be honest, and it's hurting but everything before this was hurting even more. he couldn't do this back home. might as well do it here. ] and I'll respect that.

Um....I've heard of Sokie, though we didn't speak much.

[ Jean on the other hand, he hadn't heard of. Still, he can feel the emotional connections through Eren. These were important people to him, now gone.

Also maybe Jean really likes horses? Huh, okay so like Jusis. Weird detail to add, but whatever.

The more important issue though, was Eren's plans. Elliot will take that hand, using both his much smaller hands to gently hold onto Eren's. Even if he doesn't show it outwardly, Elliot can feel the anxiety from him. He knows to not trust what Eren shows on the outside and to listen only to the Bond, he's spent so long learning how to hide his emotions after all. ]

You're finally ready huh? [He says, but not in a chiding way. He's proud that Eren's finally reached this step] What will you say to her, if she wants to talk?

The truth.

[ they felt like— they were small in his. elliot’s hands could easily fit into his palm. eren only squeezes the sides of them into a loose and appreciative hold while his insides quiver out of control. at least everything seems superficially sound when you look at him. ]

It’s a lot to unpack. It could take months. [ but he supposes, since he can’t actually go back in time here and tell his four month younger dragon self, hey, don’t do that, he just has to hope he has enough time to even get to this point. ] I kept it all from them for years.

You're going to tell all of it huh?

[That's impressive, honestly. Well, it's just like Eren to never do anything in half measures. Of course if he choose to share things, he'd do it with full disclosure.

...I hope she'll be willing to hear you out. For both your sakes.

She's less forgiving.

[ that is saying something. but, considering their relationship— not impossible. hell mikasa is still upset about levi beating the shit out of him in court and that was five years ago. and necessary. it could take . . . a really long time just to get close to her again. ]

. . . Like I said, [ eren rolls his shoulders in an attempt to relax them— super stiff. ] it's going to take a while just to start. But I, [ he pauses to wet his lips and consequently takes the blip of time to hold elliot's hand further. ] can't waste more time here.

I...could see that. [He kicks his legs] It feels like she has walls up when I talk to her. And I get the feeling they've been up a long time.

[Longer than the fallout between Eren and her. Considering their world, she probably could never afford to let her guard down.]

Yeah...we don't know how much longer either of you will be here. [He says a little quietly. Crow and Randy were gone now, he knew well how fleeting this place could be]

You're not wrong.

[ sorry elliot: eren fucked her up. though he didn't know them well, eren is well aware of the trickle of loss that bubbled around the same time as his. ]

Did you have a good time with them?

[It's okay. If Eren hadn't someone else in that world would've most likely cause Paradis is that kind of craphole.

He sighs and looks down a little before he looks out at the shoreline]

...I did. Though I know Crow was keeping something from us. I was hoping he'd come forward eventually but... [he sighs] He's stubborn as always.

[ eren could— honestly relate. on top of keeping a secret and more of them during four years and counting, he’s bonded to elliot for the most part of a year and elliot still . . . doesn’t know a lot about his history. like dating a stranger without realizing a thing about them beyond behavior. he’s always felt the necessity to hold back for his bonded’s sake ever since returning from the mirrors the very first time he left. maybe it wasn’t exactly fair. maybe it was for eren’s own sake, too, but.

it makes him think a little, and a single mental knot slowly begins to loosen. ]

He probably had a reason. [ everyone has some kind of personal reason for that. no argument. ] I thought you knew, more or less?

[ he’s curious— because he remembers the talk they had about death all the way back in dorchacht’s first visit. unless there was more than one secret. ]

Edited 2020-06-12 03:05 (UTC)

Oh, I didn't tell you about that, did I? [Considering there had been so much to talk about since the last time he returned from the mirror, it's not surprising it slipped him mind]

He's alive again. We don't know how or why, other than it has something to do with being an Awakener-- [Which means nothing to Eren, right] er, a special power he has.

I got the distinct impression he knew more about what's going on, but....

[He'd never share. Which...was very Crow-like, but disappointing he never actually opened up. Elliot's well aware Eren's got his secrets too, and while he's curious...he knew to respect his space. It wasn't like it affected Elliot...unlike what Crow was hiding.

But Eren saying that Crow had a reason? Makes him sigh and shake his head]

Believe me, I know his reason. He knew whatever it was would make us unhappy, so he avoided it. Whether if it was for his sake or to protect me...who knows.

[ while it means little to eren, the general meaning of it all is achieved through a mildly comparable circumstance. only mildly. but from what he saw around the house elliot shared with crow, they had a stable seeming relationship when scratching the surface. they'd talk and spend time with each other and have fun. he could honestly understand not wanting to break any of that because— ]

I haven't told you anything about me . . . For both reasons.

[ the honesty comes abruptly and causes a twitch in eren's eyelids. a wince. when it came to eren's home friends— the truth was necessary to heal the hole he blasted through them. he had no luxury of being able to approximate with them again without explaining himself, and with elliot . . . it just felt like there was no reason beyond professionalism for them to be bonded if he couldn't open up, at least little by little. with the behavioral issues mostly smoothed, the step up is now or never. ]

Oh, I already know that.

[Elliot has noticed the lack of information, the dodging to subjects, the emotions that are sometimes very carefully shield. There was so much about Eren he didn't know.]

I'd be lying if I said I wasn't curious, I am...but we're not from the same world. Even if I knew everything, it's not like I could do anything about it.

[That was the truth of it. He was a curious person, he'd love to have Eren open up. But...he knows that's a selfish desire. His life wouldn't really change if he knew everything, he was nothing more than a spectator. It could only stand to damage his relationship with Eren if he tried to force him to open up.]

But that's not the case with Crow. [He sighs] Maybe he wants to have a happy memory to look back on...but I'd rather face reality than be blindsided again.

Edited 2020-06-13 14:05 (UTC)

[ spongegar emoji. eren then considers he either didn’t hide it well enough or elliot knew him more than he thought. to what extent, he hoped it wouldn’t be shattered now, especially listening to how he felt about both instances. eren talons, the one from his free hand, at least, curls some into the fabric of his pants. ]

You have every right. [ the same way crow had his, and so did eren and everyone else— it was so complicated. you couldn’t have it all when it depended on someone else . . . freedom really was cruel, and still he went after it like it was the only thing he had left to fight for. ] Back home— I had to make a decision.

[Eren for aidios sake you insisted on going by a fake name for SIX MONTHS it wasn't hard to figure out you're hiding stuff.

He tilts his head at Eren. From the way he's acting about Elliot's feelings towards Crow...there's some guilt there.]

Yeah, and I'm sure it wasn't an easy one. [He moves his hand to touch Eren's cheek] Listen...no matter how Mikasa reacts, no matter your past - I'm going to continue to support you as your Bonded. You don't have to worry.

[ eren remains still when touched— not a flinch or falling into his hand, but remaining neutral. moments and eren himself wavers back and forth into a slouch, then erecting his back, finding no position comfortable. lips purse open and a second after the silence it brought, he drops it. there’s nothing else to really say to go around it. just carefully peel back details. ]

I’m . . . About to kill everyone.

[ how could anyone support that—? except jaegerists. ]

[Well...that escalated quickly. Kill everyone? What..did that mean? On purpose? By accident?

There's a mix of confusion, surprise and concern coming from his bond as he tries to process that. It's a frightening prospect - it would be for anyone.

And yet...he doesn't pull away]

...Why?

[ why was something that he asked himself a lot. if there was any other way around it and he tried for years to come up with another. the more he waited, the more the options dwindled, and the more it hurt him. there isn’t one day where he doesn’t think about that kid and his family, who offered them drinks and had a good time.

so many other families like that . . . eren was fully aware of how wrong it was, and the chasm of anguish and burden he hides lifts its ugly head and exposes itself. ]

Or else my family, my friends, my home . . . [ he knows there’s no justification— but there was no way to do one without the other. there was no way out. ] They’d be the ones to die.

Eren...

[Elliot goes quiet after saying his name, sadness echoing from his side of the bond as he takes it in. He knows Eren is telling the truth, that he truly felt like he had no other option. That he had to choose between saving others or saving his loved ones. It was a terrible choice for anyone to go through.

Was he making the right decision? Elliot...didn't know. He knew he didn't like it, but this felt like the reasoning of a man that's been backed into a corner. Not just once, but repeatedly throughout his life. This was a man that's only been taught how to fight, how to survive at the cost of sacrificing others. Mikasa had told him how their country had handled a food shortage - by sacrificing thousands to save the rest of them. He also heard it eluded more than once how high their military's mortality rate was, how expendable they all were. No real thought seemed given about their well-being, or teaching them to see past their roles

What chance did Eren have? All he'd been taught for survival involved sacrifice. How could he possibly be expected to come up with a solution that was outside those ideas? When all you're taught is tragedy, of course it'll lead to causing more.

If Eren was expecting Elliot to pull away or argue, that wasn't going to happen. There's no hiding the sadness, the grief that he feels. Were they from the same world, Elliot would probably put up more of a fight. Just like he planned to find a way to stop Osborne from committing the same atrocity in his world. But its like he said before....he can't do anything to change what happens in that world.

So he does the only thing he can do...and scoot closer to Eren to hug him tight. He's eyes are squeezed shut as tears are forming, but it's clear: he's still here to support.]

I'm so sorry Eren...

[For the corner he's been backed into, for the pain he must be feeling. And for the world that failed to teach him another way.]

[ if anything, not moving, not excluding himself from eren’s side had been the one thing eren never sought because he wasn’t in a position to receive. but here was a guy from another world who doesn’t argue and simply listens, understands— and the weight being pressed around him is soon pushed into, with eren’s cheek on top of his bonded and into his hair. his eyes sting, his nose feels heavy and wet, but all he does to hold it back is steady his breathing from the mouth alone. ]

Maybe it could be different here.

[ or, maybe not. maybe he’d still have to make an eventual, destructive choice all over again, because eren was destructive and that’s what he’d attract, wherever he’d go. but there still was a chance that so many people have told him about. elliot, sokie, mettaton. maybe some others that escape his thoughts, for now, but all have made a difference in coming to this conclusion. it didn’t mean he was about to give up on returning home, he had to. there were things to wrap up for good and he’d be selfish, stupid and profoundly unlike him to jump ship now.

if his death nears, who knows. maybe he could make that hope permanent. ]

[Elliot wants it to be different. He wanted Eren's second chance at life to be a better one. But...he's experienced enough heartache to know not to promise anything. Things have a terrible way of not going the way they planned]

We'll just have to try for that.

[He wanted to work for it. A different future, a better future. And pray that they never have to make such a choice here.

He still holds onto Eren, leaning against him as he much as Eren leaned against him.]

Look. I'm still here.

[Eren didn't scare him away, like he must've feared he would.]

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