fiddlestick | aefenglom IC Inbox

[Please don't turn him into sweet bean paste Eren its worrying when you say that.]

Aww, c'mon it's not so bad! Really I just picked the first musical term that popped into mind that fits you. They just all happen to sound fancy.

[So really it's a cheap and easy way to sound impressive]

Really, this is just a game. Some people have pet names for me, but I can't say I use them much myself, so...

[Don't worry about it!!]

[ what does eren say that is ever not worrying. but, eren’s still mildly embarrassed, to a degree. it’s a game but— he plays to win! and he has, maybe. he’s won award for worst name and creativity. clicking his talons against the table, he considers something, then: ]

. . . You can use that, if you ever need to avoid my name. [ because of things. it doesn’t sound very pet-like at all, to be honest. more like a nickname that he could actually get behind. ] If you want.

[ (and then, in the future, elliot got so nervous he used puff instead). ]

Edited 2020-02-11 16:39 (UTC)

[! Well that catches Elliot by surprised]

Oh! [That's right. He can't refer to Eren by name in public. Not as long as he hides from Mikasa ]

You don't mind?

[ the price is so little to pay . . . ]

No. [ he’s really in no situation to decline either, unless he was dying to facilitate the process of discovery, which, he wasn’t. not for the time being. ] Either that or Krüger, or whatever else you come up with.

[ at least he knows elliot isn’t as crappy with names as he is. he gestures for the card deck— it was elliot’s turn, now that he discards the pet name card. ]

I’ll take it until I don’t need it.

Well, I know I'm not calling you Krüger. Just saying that name makes me worried she'll appear. [Because if anyone could pop up upon being called, despite being in an entirely different world - it's Sharon.] So Libero or...something else will have to do.

[You know, like Puff

He'll take another card, reading it.]

"What Small Pleasures do you enjoy the most?" ... Oh, that's a nice one.

[ small pleasures, um. hm.

you don’t even have to wait too long to realize a lone cricket chirps in eren’s head. you’ve got him. he literally doesn’t have any. time spent with friends is a little . . . out of the question, now. digging, drinking, sex? all refuge. walks on the beach? he had the most depressing beach episode of all time.

the cricket still chirps and eren stares like ???? ]

Er...

[That...sure is a deer in the headlights stare for a relatively easy question. Was Eren's life really that depressing]

I-It can just be something simple. Like...liking the sound your shoes make against cobblestone, or a type of snack...?

[ANYTHING EREN. ANYTHING]

. . . Sharp things?

[ that wasn’t even something he had a fixation on before aefenglom, so, shortly after he shakes his head. wrong answer. ever heard the saying “when the mind isn’t in the right place, the body and soul suffers”? if you take one away, the rest teeter. can’t think straight. can’t think of the simple good things when the rest is shit after a while. did he ever tell you about the first time he had ice cream? it was depressing, too.

a lightbulb comes 💡 ]

—Smiles.

[ we all know that eren sits in a dark room doing his job and looks up at a board full of pictures of his friends smiling that reads do it for them!!!!!! ]

[Yeah this...is a rather depressing thing to watch. Elliot hadn't thought it was such a difficult question. He could think of plenty of things that made him happy without even trying, big and small. So to have Eren struggle so much with it...

Well, it sure indicated yet again that something wasn't right about the guy. He is even about to point out that sharp things was a compulsion, not a pleasure - but even Eren seems aware of that with his headshake, so he holds back and gives Eren time to think.

Which hey, looks like he's able to think of something]

Oh? Smiles give you pleasure?

[ that isn’t how he’s word it and gives a sigh, what would’ve been an awkward laugh if eren had it in him. when historia smiled, when everyone grinned— he’s almost regretful to have passed across some of these moments because of his own sadness, but, he couldn’t control it back then. he was still happy, at least, when he was able to let go for a few hours and admire them. ]

It means someone’s happy enough. Something’s right. [ and then he pauses, his own smile tempting to pull with his brows apologetically. ] Most of the time.

[ there’re the sad smiles in existence, as well as the off-the-rocker smiles that’re far more unhinged. but, none of those are the smiles eren’s talking about. ]

And It’s been a while since I’ve felt that— or made anyone feel that, [ he seems to be looking at elliot expectantly, as if he knew the answer personally. ] hasn’t it.

Ah...

[Aw...well, Eren put it right there. Elliot's mouth opens, then closes as he looks with worry. The dancing around the elephant of the room part of this conversation was over. Even if he knows it's an important conversation they need to have... Elliot wishes the floor would open up and swallow him whole right now.

It's tempting to lie, to tell him no that wasn't true ... but Eren would know he was lying. They were bonded, and even if they weren't Elliot had his fair share of tells.

Nerve-wracking or not, this is happening]

...It has.

[He'll confirm it, his voice tired and sad.]

I...I think it's hard to make people happy when you won't let yourself feel it.

[ they’re going to talk this out like fine adults rather than dragging themselves into a hell they can’t come back from, now won’t they!

eren listens, at least opening to listening— more so even open to, just that. opening. he had passion and will to drive him for hours, days, months, years, but cracks were as clear as they could be in any human under a catastrophic amount of pressure. pressure he refuses to complain about because he willingly chose this. what elliot says holds deeper truth than he could begin to comprehend so fast— he never did allow himself to be happy until now and that was all completely recognized. eren too, seemed frequently tired and his upheaval would show during the smallest of moments, unnecessary but there because, where else could it go? ]

Even if I’ll always keep moving— The weight is unbearable, sometimes. [ he says, sadly with a downcast stare into the flickering candlelight in the middle of their table. it was dark, and he couldn’t see during those times. couldn’t see anything. it was more a true-hearted confession of his feelings rather than regretting. if they’re going to be open here and save things than preserve their ears. so, with a swallow, he continues: ] The last time I enjoyed my friends smiling, I had to drink to. That was a year ago. I made choices I can’t come back from, and I’ve been aware of it since I was, [ pause, shrug, ] fifteen.

[ so . . . that. ]

I thought about annulling our bond more than once, [ he shakes his head, slowly. ] but if I did that . . . I’d just pass the problem over to the next witch. Worse— I’d be giving up. [ on elliot, surely, but especially himself. and he’s plenty aware by now the problem is him. ]

That’s something I know I don’t want to do for either of us.

["I thought about annulling our bond more than once". Even if Elliot had had his suspicions, it hurt to hear his anxieties confirmed. He has to swallow, his own stomach twisting.]

I...had a feeling you have. These days you seem so...tired of me. When I speak my mind, when I don't... E-Even now, I feel a little like I'm walking on eggshells picking my words.

[He tried hard to make his bond happy. Sometimes he'd try hard to be serious - a companion Eren could trust. Other times he'd try to be cheerful - a piece of light Eren could see in his own darkness. While Elliot never outright lied about who he is, there came a point where who he was with Eren wasn't authentically himself. Just versions of him that he'd hope would appease his Bond.]

It...Only recently did I start to realize it wasn't because there was something wrong with me. [Which is big for him, as it's so easy to blame himself, especially when Rean wasn't here to correct him] You'd...end up feeling the same way no matter which witch you'd bond with, because it's not the witch you're tired of.

[It was himself, and the pain he felt. Eren was lost in the woods of suffering and didn't know how to get out. Didn't know if he could get himself out.]

You're moving Eren...but you're only moving in place. And you're strong so you've managed for a long time, but... you need some way to lift that weight before it crushes you.

[ he’s only feeling mildly relieved now, knowing that elliot isn’t blaming himself for the mental mess he was— but it wasn’t enough to simmer down the fanned flames that have grown for so long. he doesn’t sigh, he doesn’t even speak at first—

there’s only a quiet nod after he recollects himself, and allows his shoulders to slump with a melancholy sense of agreement. at least he’s realizing this, but. it’s still not enough for anything drastic now. eren sniffs, and then continues, softly amongst rather enthusiastic chatter around them as other blind dates assemble: ]

I was thinking about finding a second witch to bond with. Getting excess magic off me could help, but, [ his head cants, and he looks up. eye to eye. ] I know I need something more.

[ maybe he was anxious too, to return home, even if he’d be placed right where he was taken. ]

I have no idea beyond— finishing. But home isn’t going anywhere. [ he just needs to dig that. into. his thick skull. as hard as it was. ] I’ve never trusted anyone to help me more than myself, so . . . I’m trusting you.

[ it doesn’t matter anymore if he didn’t before, or only trusted him up to a certain point. it’s a clear call for help that he’s rather desperately wanting. ]

I’d understand if you want to stop here, [ you know, with everything. self preservation and all, and eren didn’t want to dictate his choice in staying or leaving this time. ] and I know I didn’t want to hear it before, but I want to hear it now. If there’s anything that you think could help, [ he doesn’t need to say what it is, because even now, at this very moment, while upset and somber— he was so angry. it wasn’t even directed it was just— anger. hanging there with nowhere to go or even pinpoint why, which directed to the closest person that ticked him off. ] I’m listening. And I’m sorry.

[ apologies bother him so much because they feel empty and worthless especially when only an idiot makes the same mistakes over and over again. maybe he’s just upset that blind men could keep making mistakes no matter which path they walk through. ]

[That's a lot of power Eren is offering him, having that trust. It does seem to move Elliot a little, but there's still skepticism interwoven into his emotions. Would Eren really listen? Would he get mad if Elliot said something Eren didn't like and tune him out again?

There was a chance of that, Elliot recognized. Even if Eren recognized he needed help didn't mean he'll know how to accept it. All Elliot can do is hope that these sincere sounding words had follow-through. He prayed that it did. Through everything, he did still care about Eren. He wanted life to come back into those eyes. ]

...Alright.

[All he can do is try. It's a tall order, thinking of something that can help someone as lost as Eren was. His hands sit on the table, interweaving his own fingers together as he thinks.

After a long time of thought, he takes a deep breath]

First of all, you need to stop acting like your days here don't matter. I know you'd rather be finishing your mission back home, but .... these days aren't meaningless. You were given extra time for a reason ... even if you don't understand why now.

[He's seen Eren's behaviors. If he wasn't working towards finding a way home, he was living pretty aimlessly. He never let him enjoy the moment. He was always looking towards the end, seemingly unaware that ends are rarely as satisfying or lasting as one would think.]

As for all your weight... maybe you need an outlet. Not an escape like sex or drinking. Something that lets you safely work through all those feelings you have inside of you, so it becomes more manageable. For me...that's music. But there's other things too ... gardening, art, writing, cooking...

[In other words, get a hobby]

Think you should try one of those first before you get another witch involved in all this. I'm not saying never get another bond, but...

[Honestly man, in the state you're in right now? Throwing another person in might go real badly]

[ his throat is dry, and he has to wet his lips to get words rolling off his tongue, but when he does: ]

I know. [ elliot could have that peace of mind, at least, without any annoyance attached. just simple reassurance he wasn’t trying to do something completely stupid. it wasn’t an immediate plan or that it would solve him foremost if he didn’t have direction before he started to look. direction first, but— he figured elliot should know it was a plan for when he . . . found a way around.

he’s so caught up in going home that everyone else comes in third place. he was right about that and there isn’t even an argument to unravel for it. no irritation to it, just— acceptance. he doesn’t know how much he could undo of himself, simply forgetting wasn’t an option and untreated trauma is just. there. in neon lights. what he does try to think though, as he folds his wings close to his chest is: ]

I’ve never done any of that. [ when he thought about gardening he could only see himself . . . hurting the plants. setting mikleo’s on fire was the last time he got so intimately near one. art makes him think of spectacular photo-realistic drawings, or sculpting, that he doesn’t have a knack for. he doesn’t have the patience to write when it doesn’t have to do with conspiracy theories. he gives an ironic huff. ] . . . Except for cooking.

[ he’s a mediocre cook. ]

I never had outstanding talent. I’ve always been average. [ he wasn’t belittling himself, it was just the truth. he was no one special. he didn’t have something amazing about him as a kid or growing up, something the other students would marvel at. a gift or a quirk. he was just loud, annoying and didn’t know when to call it quits because he never did, even when he was close to. he struggled. the only thing special about him was what was special about every single one of them. ] But I’ve always had perseverance.

[ he’s at least proud it got him this far, that he even has something to say keep going instead of breaking down and throwing in the towel. he’ll. try? whatever it is that looks at least close enough to fitting with him. ]

[It does seem so far that Eren is listening to what he's saying, or at least not rejecting it outright. Which was encouraging, to say the least]

That's fine. Honestly, perseverance is more important than raw talent when it comes to stuff like this. [Elliot was naturally talented as a musician which gave him a good starting point, but that talent alone would've only gotten him so far. It was the hours and hours and hours of practice and the commitment to improving himself that really helped him reach the professional level.] Besides, this would be something you're doing for yourself. The skill level doesn't matter.

The important part is when you make something ... it's yours. You've heard me play a lot ... you can tell when I'm putting my heart into a piece, right?

Edited 2020-02-18 03:37 (UTC)

Always.

[ it was one of the most beautiful things in motion. ir was no stranger to eren, at least with that much— he knew how to recognize when there was heart in something or not. in elliot’s music, there was more than necessary to hand out when they didn’t overflow from his tunes and musical notes. maybe, who knew. elliot would be the first to see his macaroni picture. ]

I’ll . . . Try something. [ he didn’t know what, out of those, but hell what else did he have to lose? he’ll play the elimination game. ] And you can be the judge.

[ if it’s healthy!! or not. if something suits him!!! or not. ]

[It's a relief hearing Eren so open to an idea. Of being willing to try. He offers a small smile and nods at him]

Alright. Lemme know if you need help getting started. I can get you supplies or...anything else you need.

[He is here to help!!! He knows enough friends in creative hobbies to know what's needed for each one]

...I look forward to see what you create Eren.

[ even if he’s still stuck on step one: what do? as small as the smile was . . . eren ducks his head after looking at it, at elliot, too long. well— there’s something right happening, at least. it’s what makes him nod in turn, and swallow, to gesture with his chin. ]

From what you know about me, [ stature, style, erm, weapon of choice? it’s always been his hands, ] any suggestions?

[Eren it's okay to look at him. He's sitting right across from you and is your Bonded.

He does give it some thought. Music, as much as he loved it - did take a lot of learning first before someone could get creative. Eren might not have the patience for that. Gardening...it relied on the weather. Cooking required a kitchen, hard to find in a tunnel. And writing...well, he could see Eren struggling to get the words on paper. ]

Hmm.... I'd say art. It's the easiest one to get into as a novice and start being creative.

[ no it gives him a doki

art, then. art. what has he ever done related to art? there's nothi—oh, there is. a few moments worth. eren has a halt in thought, going from a leisurely nod and about ready to leave before getting mentally struck. ]

I've . . . Done it before. [ he just completely forgot about it. deleted. erased from his thoughts. never to be seen again, but now— it's a jumpstart?! ] After Peridot blew a hole in Lex's wall— I painted it.

[ he's forgetting that he used completely different colors for each splash, but. close enough. ]

[Oh hey, Eren has some recognition]

Yeah, painting's a big style of art! My friend Gaius, that's his favorite style.

[You got it right Eren! You have done art!!!]

Did you enjoy it?

[ did he enjoy it? ]

I just threw paint capsules at the wall. [ but after some silence— he reminisces and ends up smiling, awkwardly: ] And made another hole.

[ by. mistake. but over all, yes. he did enjoy it. probably more because he had a rowdy partner to paint with at the time (steven is high energy). it was alright. ]

[That sure is a smile from Eren as he reminisces. Awkward it may be, it still counts. Painting was a fond memory]

Hehe, well I'm sure Lex was thrilled by that.

[He'll reach over now, taking Eren's hand to squeeze it gently]

Sounds like painting would be a good start for you.

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